JEWISH DATING RELATIONSHIP

JEWISH DATING RELATIONSHIP

{PART A}

BY OKARO CHIDIEBERE SHEMAEL

DELIVERED AT THE NIGERIA UNION OF JEWISH STUDENTS’ GENERAL MEETING/ LECTURE SERIES, BEING THE 22^nd OF TAMMUZ 5773—{7^TH JULY 2013} AT 1 PM.

The process whereby a man and woman meet, become acquainted with each other and decide whether they are suitable for each other, is not only common sense -- it's actually mandated by Jewish law. The Talmud stipulates that it is forbidden for a man to marry a woman until he meets her and she finds favor in his eyes, and a woman is not to be married until she is mature enough to make an intelligent decision with regards to her proposed husband. Then prospective bride and groom must meet beforehand and both must be fully comfortable with each other and must give their full consent to the match.

That said, according to Jewish tradition, dating plays a very specific role. Dating is viewed as a serious matter and is not intended for entertainment purposes. Dating is reserved for mature men and women who have reached marriageable age and are actively seeking their life mate.

The restrictions on dating do not stem from old-fashioned prudishness. Rather they are a key ingredient in the creation of stable marriages between compatible spouses.

You Will Find What You Seek

The focus of a date is to determine whether this person one is seeing has the qualities and values which will allow the two of them to live together harmoniously and happily for the rest of their lives. Hence, successful dating is an art; it requires the mind to take control of a domain which traditionally and instinctively belongs to the heart.

THE HEART FOLLOWING THE MIND IS A FORMULA FOR SUCCESS

Fortunately, it seems that many people are discovering the wisdom of serious dating and focusing on compatibility. Assorted organizations now offer personality tests, and based on the results of these tests they endeavor to find compatible mates. These organizations claim a high success rate of many happily married couples who they've matched up. Makes sense!

The heart following the mind is a formula for success. The mind following the heart is potentially a recipe for disaster.

STARTING THE SEARCH

"All the good ones are already taken," is a line we've all heard too often. The thousands of websites and organizations devoted to helping singles in general, and Jewish singles in particular, find eligible soul mates demonstrates the difficulty inherent in finding a suitable mate.

A good place to start is in the hub of your local Jewish community, which likely is your synagogue. In all probability your synagogue offers a variety of programs, classes and evenings of entertainment – all great opportunities to meet other Jewish singles (and have fun and be edified to boot!). Make your rabbi aware of the fact that you are in search mode, and ask him to keep his eye open on your behalf.

Jewish online dating websites are also an option; although they may involve the inconvenience of long distance relationships and traveling.  Overseas, there are also many organizations which arrange tasteful retreats and special events specifically for Jewish singles.

No comprehensive discussion about Jewish dating would be complete without mentioning the role of the shadchan (matchmaker). The proverbial shadchan earned his living through making a commission on each successful match he would arrange. He'd make the rounds in the shtetel, cajoling reluctant parents, convincing them of the virtues of some boy or girl, and how well matched that individual is for their son or daughter. This culture however is yet to be obtained in Nigeria.

Whether the popular portrayal of the Eastern European matchmaker is accurate or not, it certainly is not a depiction of today's professional shadchan. Today's shadchan discreetly offers a valuable service, and many have a high success rate. The shadchan gathers information about eligible singles – either through interviewing them, or by speaking to their friends – and has a knack for matching people together.

Amongst the chassidic community, where mingling between the sexes is very minimal, almost all matches are arranged by a shadchan. However, there are many shadchans who cater to all segments of the Jewish community. If you are interested, your rabbi can certainly put you in contact with an expert shadchan.

[It is very important that the shadchan receive the honorarium due for the service rendered. Negative repercussions can, HASHEM forbid, result if the shadchan is not compensated for the efforts exerted.]

Dating is Not a Game

How about people not yet contemplating marriage? Can they dabble in some "harmless" dating or even some pre-marital sex? Does the Torah frown upon such entertainment and pleasure just because it is not in the context of marriage?

An understanding of the Kabbala of sexuality sheds light on this sensitive subject. Sexual attraction is a sacred calling of the soul, and contains incredible potential when properly harnessed. It motivates the selfish person to be selfless, and is a vehicle for the implementation of the Divine plan for all of Creation.

As is the case with any potent power, sexuality's constructive powers are only matched by its destructive potential. Nuclear energy is a textbook example. It can be used to economically provide mankind with valuable and plentiful energy, or can cause untold destruction and devastation.

Outside the framework of marriage, intimacy is self-centered instead of selfless. It is an expression of the body instead of the soul. Worst of all, it can have a desensitizing effect, causing an individual to associate sexuality with these negative qualities, rather than allowing the person to relate intimacy with the spiritual and meaningful experience it is intended to be.

The less the soul's power of sexuality has been abused, the healthier the person's marriage is likely to be. Thus, the task of preserving the sanctity of sexuality and marriage begins long before one actually starts considering marriage.

THE LESS THE SOUL'S POWER OF SEXUALITY HAS BEEN ABUSED, THE HEALTHIER THE PERSON'S MARRIAGE IS LIKELY TO BE

This "hypothesis" is actually statistically proven. Mariah Wojdacz of LegalZoom.com, a leading online legal service center, writes: "The highest risk factor for divorce may be surprising, since it is often seen as a way to promote stability and security in a relationship. Couples who move in together prior to marriage have a far greater chance of divorce than couples who do not. How much higher is that risk? Some studies suggest couples who co-habitat before marriage, divorce at a rate as high as 85 percent."

A marriage is also healthier when neither of the spouses are comparing their spouse to previous opposite-sex partners they had.

That said, no matter what may have transpired in the past, it is never too late to start approaching sexuality from the proper perspective.

Modesty Considerations

Jewish law precludes a man and woman who are not married to each other from being secluded together in a private place. The Sages' keen understanding of the dynamics of sexual attraction prompted them to eliminate such settings which can easily lead to actions which will be later regretted.

The preferred venue for a date is thus a neutral public or semi-private location such as a restaurant, hotel lobby or park.

The Age to Throw the Hat in the Ring

The mitzvah to marry takes effect when one becomes eighteen years of age. That is the appropriate age to begin seeking an appropriate mate. This mitzvah may be deferred to a later date if one wishes to study Torah undisturbed by the financial obligations family life entails.

On the other hand, the perceived lack of financial ability to sustain a family should not be a consideration in postponing marriage. The One who sustains all of creation can and certainly will provide for one more family! A home based on proper values is a conduit for Divine blessings for all its inhabitants.

Love: Infatuation and Romance?

Modern novels, movies, magazines, and television programs which fantasize and glorify the notion of “romantic love” are describing a type of ideal relationship that may exist in literary form or in the poetic imagination, but which bears very little resemblance to what love is all about in the everyday world of real life. People who read love stories or watch television programs should realize that while courtship, chivalry, romance and passion do play their separate and respective roles in the dramatic awakening and eventual attainment of satisfaction in love, these are all elements in a process, but they do not by any means add up to the whole of the love experience.

Nor is romantic love an end in itself, so that it cannot and should not be accepted in defense of any type of behavior in any male-female relationship which is less than a properly controlled one. Such explanations as “We couldn’t help ourselves, we just fell in love”, or “we didn’t realize what was happening” are excuses, not reasons, because people usually do realize very well indeed, what is happening; they all too often try to convince themselves that certain forms of intimacy are justified because the two individuals concerned happen to be truly in love. To fool oneself through this tactic is to lose control over oneself.

Romantic love is not always related to real love, especially when it ignores the true personalities and mutual interest of those involved. To be ruled by one’s emotions and feelings, uncontrolled and undirected by logic, values and clear thinking, with no clear sense of goals and responsibility, is to ignore the only factors which can establish a firm foundation for a permanent and mature life-long relationship.

The theme repeated everywhere in novels and movies is that “I am in love and my love is beyond my control”; “I fell in love”; it was as though someone pushed me off a cliff and it was all accidental and unintentional. The Jewish approach warns us not to “love in spite of yourself”, but to love “because of yourself”. Find out what you’re headed for. Enter into the love relationship with your eyes open, not with your eyes closed. Don’t accept blind dates, unless you know who the potential partner is.

If you find that you are “falling”, realize while your eyes are still open, while you can still think clearly and objectively, who this person is for whom you are falling. By whom, I refer to background, commitment, education, character, personality, family, friends, values, concern for others, goals and ideals—the things that really count—not the external, superficial things, some of which may be “put on”.

Fall in love with the real person inside the skin. Fall in love deliberately, with control, not on the rebound, or because you’re simply “in love with love”. Fall in love only after you have come to know yourself, not because you feel insecure and think “no one loves me”, and not because you don’t get along with your parents and are anxious to leave home. Don’t let your craving for acceptance or love lead you to throw yourself at the first person who gives you a tumble or is “pliable” in physical conduct.

All this is a matter of decency, honesty and fairness to yourself, to the other person involved, and to your family and Jewish tradition. It is a pre-condition of authentic and lasting love. Let the woman use her “feminine charm”; it’s her legitimate prerogative, a healthy manifestation of her femininity. It’s quite one thing to be charmed by it, but don’t be taken in don’t let it blind you; don’t fall for it. If you take the romantic love angle too seriously, you will lose your proper place in the marital relationship and, with it, lose your dignity and your role as master of your destiny. Young men, too, often employ a trickery more harmful and more dangerous than that employed by women. There is no ultimate danger if a girl employs her femininity to charm a young man into turning a fleeting interest into a more serious one. Young men, however, sometimes deceive a young woman into thinking that they are in love, while all they want is a physical relationship. Intimacy without true love, commitment and permanence is a price too high to pay.

Friendship Before Marriage

Why does Jewish Tradition demand that the relationship between men and women before marriage stop at the point of physical contact? And why is such restraint, forbidding even mere “touching” (or negiah in Hebrew), so crucial a factor in the successful observance of those laws that define the Jewish standards of family loyalty and interpersonal relationships?

Jewish law states that once a young woman begins menstruating, she assumes the status of nidah, and remains, from that point on, “off limits”, in regard to physical contact with men, until the day of her marriage. Just prior to her marriage ceremony she removes the nidah status, in accordance with Jewish law, by immersing herself in the waters of a mikveh (a body of water used only for spiritual sanctification), and may then be approached by her husband. As a married woman she becomes nidah once again with each onset of a menstrual period, and marital relations must then be suspended until she immerses herself, once more, in a mikveh, at least one week after the completion of each menstrual period.

It will be acknowledged, even by those unaware of this law, that the sense of touch in male-female relationships often constitutes a type of borderline where simple association begins to pass from the area of friendship into the area of intimacy. In any male-female relationship, it is easier to maintain self control up to the point of physical contact because, from the moment of contact on, control becomes much more difficult. Also, once the principle of ‘no contact’ has been violated, there are often no other barriers effective enough in helping two people to restrain themselves from further kinds of involvement that could lead naturally to a intimacy.

A physical relationship is an essential element in the binding together of two people in marriage. Before marriage, however, physical contact has the effect of forging bonds without sincere commitment. [Therefore, objectivity is distorted, and the essential relationship becomes confused…are we really headed towards commitment? Are his words, “I care only for what’s best for you” grounded?] Any sort of physical contact or intimacy, as it brings people closer together, tends to bind—a kind of glue as it were—but as glue should be used to bind together only when a permanent bond is decided upon, physical contact should begin only after the marriage itself.

Some people will claim, with reasonable justification, that some of the social practices which Jewish law prohibits, such as hand holding, social dancing, and good-night kissing, are simply matters of form or social grace, which people perform without attaching to them any great significance. It is precisely this point that we are attempting to make. As Jews, we take relationships between people much more seriously than does “society”. Jewish society cannot tolerate a situation where a young woman, or a young man lets her or himself be used, taken advantage of, or hurt. Nor can we accept, for all the casualness of society, that kissing, or any form of expressing affection, can ever be regarded lightheartedly or as a game or social grace.

Most people who have dated know that even a casual good-night kiss is just a beginning. The nature of kissing and touching is such that it calls for more and more . . .once you begin, it is hard to stop. If each date begins with the understanding that before it ends there must be some kind of physical contact, then a high point of the date is the physical expression, and not a more intellectual or conversational type of exchange, or the excitement of sharing each other’s company.

If dating is limited to conversation, then each successive date can bring new and more stimulating conversation, and a greater interplay of personality. But if dating implies even the most casual physical contact, it is natural that on each date you will want to have more; each partner will feel impelled to give a little more, to let down a few more barriers, until there is little left to surrender. The result is a transaction in which the young woman is selling herself cheaply, and all too often, suffers a loss of self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem, and in many instances the breaking of the relationship.

THE RESTRICTIONS ON DATING ARE A KEY INGREDIENT IN THE CREATION OF STABLE MARRIAGES

Following this reasoning, the setting for the date should be one conducive for an extended private conversation, and both parties should be prepared to candidly describe their visions and goals for themselves and their family. A date at the cinema, for example, sheds little light on anything, and only serves to bring the two to an emotional attachment before it is healthy for them to have one, for it interferes with the ability to make an objective decision. Once the mind has decided, then the heart too must agree. When both mind and heart agree that the person is compatible, then "let the celebration begin!"

Serious and goal-oriented dating lays a strong foundation for marriage. A marriage with such a foundation will likely survive the stress and harsh conditions which will inevitably arrive sometime in the years to follow. This is the Jewish way, and we daresay it is also the common sense approach.

Today, with the loosening of social restrictions on the mingling and fraternizing between the sexes, many marriages start off as casual acquaintanceships. Two people meet, a relatively shallow conversation is initiated, sparks begin to fly, and after a period of intense courting and romance, off they go to the town clerk for a marriage license. The approach to dating has become increasingly focused on attraction and romance, and less focused on real compatibility. "Love conquers all," is a dangerous adage, and perhaps the main reason why nearly half of all marriages dissolve in divorce, and as a society, we have reached a point where the prenuptial agreement is as an integral part of the marriage process as the marriage vows.

To be continued…..ADVICE CHAPTER {PART A}

TO YOUNG JEWS WHO ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP

Every young man and woman looks forward to a happily married life, but this starts only after marriage. If you "try out" the relationship too much before marriage, this influences all of one's married life. The relationship between a man and woman prior to marriage should be only in the same measure as the relationship between two people of the same gender. But if more is added -- and usually after a while much more is added than at the start -- then you are taking away very much from the relationship between this man and woman after they marry....

All relationships make people closer, and everyone wants to be happily married. But the idea of trying out the relationship in a certain measure before marriage started a few decades ago, or less. Yet there have been happy marriages for thousands of years. This is just an experiment of a few years' duration, and it is very difficult to be sure about the effects. The effects can show strongly non-beneficial results of a premature relationship before marriage.

By the Lubavitcher Rebbe, as recorded by Rabbi Shmuel Lew.

DOUBLE DATING

THE THOUGHT—[I am in a relationship, and things are getting quite serious. But there is one nagging doubt at the back of my mind. This is the first real love in my life, and I’m worried that maybe I’m so happy because I have never experienced anything else. I have nothing to compare her to, because I have never been in this type of relationship before. Maybe I would fall for any girl who would give me a second glance?! I feel that perhaps, before I commit, I should see some other girls (with my girlfriend’s permission, of course). Then I will know for sure if this is for real or not. Isn’t that a good idea?]

I understand your logic. If you were looking to buy a car, it would be silly to jump at the first model that catches your eye. You would compare prices and test drive a range of different makes before buying. So, shouldn’t you do some comparative shopping before settling on a life partner? In fact, you may feel it is even more important to shop around for love than it is for a car. A car you can trade in if you’re not satisfied, but a wife . . .

While this line of thinking may sound reasonable, there is a major flaw in the logic. There is a world of difference between a car and a potential wife. For one, cars don’t like jewelry. But more importantly, cars don’t have feelings. Your partner does, and so do you. Once feelings are part of the picture, a whole new dynamic is introduced: emotional connection.

Because emotions are involved, seeing two people at once is not the way to go. It won’t work for you, for your partner, or for the possible third party.

1) For the third party: it’s unethical. Would you tell someone that you are entering a relationship with them only to test if another relationship is real or not? If you would, you’re mad. If you wouldn’t, is that fair to them? There’s nothing wrong with a used car, but people have feelings, and don’t like to be used.

2) For you: you can’t be objective. When you drive a car, it doesn’t change you. You can walk away and test drive another car, and you will be able to objectively analyze and compare the two. I have never heard of someone who needs time to “get over” a car before they can try another one. But with a human being, it’s different. A relationship is an emotional investment. You have shared a part of yourself with another. While in the midst of one relationship, you are simply not available to anyone else. You cannot be truly objective. The way you will look at the second person will be colored by your feelings for the first. So, what will you have achieved by seeing someone else?

3) For your partner: people can’t be evaluated. When buying a car, we want the best one on the market. If we can afford a better, newer model, we would not settle for less. But a life partner, a human being, can’t be given a market value. Relationships cannot be compared. Each one is a universe unto itself. The question, “Could I do better?” can apply only to objects. But with real people, the only questions you need to ask are, “Is this person a good person? Do I want to be in this person’s universe? Can we grow together?” If yes, stay there. If not, move on.

Don’t spend your lifetime wondering if someone better is around the corner. Rather, find someone who wants to be the best person in the world for you. And be the best person in the world for her. If together you make that pledge, and work hard to keep to it, you’ll be on the road to true happiness, no matter what model car you drive.

By Rabbi Michoel Green

COHABITING BEFORE MARRIAGE

You should not feel comfortable committing to someone who is prepared to live with someone without committing.

An enduring marriage is based on commitment first, which brings comfortability--not the other way around. If the comfortability brings the commitment, it is not a real commitment. What will happen if your shared life hits an area of discomfort? Actually, it's not a question of "if," but of "when": there is not a single married couple that doesn't encounter some uncomfortable moments in their life together. Do you jump ship? Or do you work on it because you made a commitment to each other, and to G‑d, that you're going too make this relationship work?

In this, marriage is very much like Judaism itself: our Sages tell us that when G‑d asked the Jewish people if they would accept the Torah, the people of Israel responded, Naaseh v'nishmah, "We will do and we will comprehend." We pledged ourselves to both of two critical elements of a meaningful relationship: the commitment to do whatever it takes to maintain the relationship, and the creation of the comfort zone that comes through knowledge and appreciation of the other. But we understood that for the relationship to have a good chance of enduring, the "do" element must come first.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe used to say: Being too close when you're supposed to be apart, causes you to be apart when you're supposed to be close.

By Rabbi Michoel Green